Setting Boundaries: Step 1
I am an International Coaching Federation-certified life coach at the ACC level, as well as a Professor at Westminster University. I completed my coach training at Coach U, and my PhD in Mathematics at the University of Chicago. I founded Inner Harmony Coaching in 2020. I help women find their authentic voice, believe in themselves, and succeed.
Why Taking Care of Myself First Isn't Selfish
Before I could set any boundaries, I had to get over the idea that it is selfish to think of my own needs first. Like many women, I was taught from girlhood that I should take care of everybody else to the exclusion of myself.
I overcame this in three main steps:
🔸 I reviewed the arguments for why it is not selfish to take care of myself until I was rationally convinced of it.
🔸 I started applying it, even though I didn’t believe it emotionally.
🔸 I began to believe it emotionally.Â
- Arguments for Why Taking Care of Ourselves First is Not Selfish
The easiest argument for most of us to swallow is that if you don’t care for yourself, you will be less able to show up for others (Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before attempting to help those around you.)Â
It also helped me to realize that I fully felt my female friends had the right to take care of themselves first – I just didn’t believe it for myself. In conversations I found myself giving advice I wasn’t living.
Most men are not taught that paying attention to their needs is wrong. Since I do believe in the equality of all genders, I decided to make a conscious effort to allow myself the same grace.
Finally, I read the book “The Courage to Be Disliked” (Kishimi, I., Koga F.) which I highly recommend. It made a huge difference for me.
2)Â Apply it Before You Believe it Emotionally.
This was tough. I found that talking regularly with a friend going through the same transition very helpful. A coach can also be invaluable in this role. Whether friend or coach, they can help you remember that you are doing the right thing when the inevitable doubts arise.
3)Â Begin to Believe
When you practice something often enough, it eventually gets through:). It wasn’t quick, and I was sometimes quite convinced I would be faking it forever. But these days, I absolutely believe that it is not only my right but also my duty to take care of myself first.Â
My thinking has done a 180: Someone has to take care of me. If it isn’t me, then I’m expecting someone else to carry the load – and that IS selfish 🙂
